Craziness and Pain

“We all exist in our own personal reality of craziness.”

Most of us have heard stories of “crazy” women (and sometimes men) and psycho exes. They are our friends, boyfriends’ exes, family members, and sometimes they can even be us.

Often people (including ourselves) are quick to judge these people. We write them off as emotional wrecks. We label them. We shame them. It’s hard not to judge when we are not equipped with the tools to deal with behaviors we don’t understand.

It’s even harder to feel empathy when we experience suffocation and feel our boundaries are being violated.

But “crazy” behavior might not always be what we think. Sometimes crazy behavior is a symptom of trauma and pain. A lot of times crazy behavior hides deeper issues.Often times, crazy behavior is a reaction to narcissistic abuse and an indication of co-depency, substance abuse, and other mental health conditions.

From the moment we are born we start to develop a sense of self and belonging. We start to develop an idea of whom we are, how others feel about us, and where we fit in the world.

Our first feelings and ideas of self come from the relationship we have with our parents.

Generally speaking, if children have healthy parents and feel loved and secure at home, they will grow up secure and will have secure adult relationships.

But if children come from homes where there is any type of trauma, abuse, or abandonment, where they don’t learn to build a secure sense of self, then they will grow up anxious and insecure and will have difficulty trusting others and themselves. This often manifests in the form of poor boundaries, inability to set boundaries, or taking on the role of “rescuer” in attempt to receive the love that one needs.

Most of the time, people who act “crazy” are subconsciously playing out their childhood wounds. These wounds need to be worked through; otherwise, they continue to manifest over and over again with every new relationship.

Individuals with these types of interpersonal relationship conflicts, are the ones most vulnerable to tolerating narcissistic abuse, or being the perpetrators of abuse. They engage in what’s called “trauma bonding” which is a term used to describe loyalty to a person who is unhealthy. While the idea of bonding sounds good and beneficial, trauma bonds are toxic and unhealthy

Part of the trauma bonding for a narcissist is to secure the power and control they’re craving. Conversly, the co-dependent is primed to meet these needs from the onset. Trauma bonding is a type of survival strategy that occurs in relationships and is often seen in relationships with a narcissist.The co-dependent initially feels valued and appreciated, and over time, the emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse surfaces in the relationship.

Craziness is simply pain turned outward.

For as long as I can remember I have felt pain and fear of being alone. My mother’s abandonment made every relationship a search for a part of me I felt was missing, but I didn’t quite know what it was.

I have always had long and fulfilling friendships with both women and men, but for as long as I can remember I have a hard time with romantic relationships. I just didn’t know how to relate to them until recently. It is in these relationships where narcissistic abuse of most often tolerated because the narcissist attempts to meet his needs by controlling and abusing another.

People in these relationships feel deeply unloved or unworth, paving the perfect blueprint for the narcissist to be able to control or abuse these individuals because they don’t have enough self worth to walk away or set proper boundaries for themselves. .They will do anything the other wants (hence the control or abuse a narcissist can maintain) in effort to please and with hopes that love will be returned. The result is a tumultuous pattern of relationships, leading to irrational and often abusive behavior, as well as substance abuse and many other mental health issues.

Many of us choose partners that will play the specific role we want them to play so that we can continue to relive our past with the hope of having a different outcome, thereby healing our old wounds. But subconsciously, we all know that’s not possible.

Some of us just choose to continue to act in the same ways because we know that if we were in a healthy relationship and in drama-free life, we would have no other option but to spend our time actually dealing with our pain and wounds.

Wounded people keep creating drama to keep avoiding themselves. Not only is the relationship itself a means of escape, and addiction, but often times the intense feelings that arise from these patterns lead people to use alcohol and other substances as a way to cope.

When we spend years thinking of ourselves as victims of a sad childhood, bad people, and bad luck, it becomes part of our identity. This places people at the forefront of either being an abuser, or tolerating the abuse of others because there is no responsibility in their own actions and roles.

Equally, narcissists are just as much survivors of their own traumas and wounds to heal. They are often looking for ways to avoid responsibility or escape emotional pain.

The thought of having to sit with one’s self and work on what is really bothering someone is generally terrifying. By nature, most people avoid looking at shortcomings and confronting darkness. It’s a brutal process that often requires awareness and guidance. Without the proper tools or insight, this becomes a difficult arduous and painful task.

How Addiction fits into this

According to researchers, as many as half of all people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder or co-dependency, also abuse alcohol and or drugs.

Narcissism and drug addiction often go hand-in-hand since individuals with narcissistic personalities need to find a way to escape their overwhelming emotional anxiety and pain. Similarly, most addicts have narcissistic traits. A person with this disorder will do whatever it takes to defend their fragile perception of themselves, typically by exaggerating it and forming a group of admirers that they can rely on. Their narcissistic behaviour intensifies if they feel threatened or as though someone is getting too close to them and they often distance themselves from others. They often display problematic and maladaptive behaviours that cause significant damage to their lives.

The cycle of narcissistic personality disorder and addiction are quite similar. The cycle of addiction involves cravings, growing tolerance and withdrawal. Narcissists crave the feeling of superiority and they are always seeking new and better triumphs that lead to greater glory. When narcissists do not receive the admiration they crave, such as through criticism, indifference or disrespect, they exhibit significant distress.

The similarities between narcissism and drug addiction are that the individual depends on something external to fill the emptiness inside. The narcissist relies on admiration and attention from other people, which can be real or imagined, for their well-being. They create situations of accomplishment so that people will congratulate them, or even become envious of them, and act in ways that make others pay attention to them. This is accomplished in a similar manner to the way an addict ensures their drug supple is constant and secure.

They put a lot of time and effort into crafting the situations and keeping up appearances in order to fill their emptiness. Nevertheless, the attention and admiration that their require increases over time, just like how an addict needs to increase their dose. When they feel as though they are not receiving the adequate amount of attention and admiration, they experience anxiety and, ultimately, depression.

Other overlapping characteristics between narcissism and drug addiction include:

• Self-medication

• Emotional avoidance

• Shame

• Denial

• Minimising

• Normalising

• Blaming

• Low self-esteem

• Controlling behaviour/manipulation

• Codependency

• Black & white thinking

• Anger/rage

Ultimately, both narcissists and addicts only pay attention to the possibility of the reward and disregard the potential downside of their behaviour.